inadequacy

the fear of never getting better

haunts me

i worry that i may improve

but fall short of my desire

to live fully and freely

 

i am scared of my inability

to get beyond this

that i will forever be

defined by my illnesses

that i will never

escape the depths of despair

 

if i don’t fully overcome this

then i might as well be dead

because as far as i’m concerned

i haven’t been truly alive for years

i exist but do not live

 

i am plagued

by the uncertainty of recovery

what that looks like for me

i am concerned

that i won’t meet my aspirations in life

and that the reasons i recover(ed) for

won’t manifest

that i will be left with a life

that is still not enough

 

i fear that i will never be enough

 

 

 

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raw

my world grew smaller

at first it wasn’t obvious

but slowly the walls closed in

i began to restrict

socially

physically

emotionally

until numbness was

all that was left

 

i’m my biggest competition

always wanting to do more

be more

beat previous records

feel a sense of accomplishment

temporarily, that is

because the bar would be

raised even higher the next day

 

i grew smaller

i lost sight of who i was

i became overwhelmed by illness

i betrayed my body

i punished myself out of self hatred

 

i regrew

equally if not more difficult

than disappearing

my fears became my reality

 

the thoughts still remain

i don’t want to be here

i don’t want to be anywhere

i cannot believe how drastically

my life had changed

i used to believe i could be

something

someone

find joy and hope and love

 

yet i still don’t know who i am

i am still overwhelmed by illness

i still betray my body

(and also feel betrayed by it)

i still harbor self hatred

 

my wounds are raw

i will spend the rest of my life

healing

and re-healing

 

surge

i just want to scream

it is so frustrating being trapped

in this body

in this mind

in this life

 

it’s absurd

the obsessions

the intrusive thoughts

the fixation on insignificant things

 

you don’t need to tell me

my body does not define my worth

my appearance does not alter people’s love for me

i’ve heard it all before

 

yet day in and day out

i long to tear apart my body

to cease existing

 

i am so ashamed of where i am at

i am so lonely

and ashamed for being lonely

 

the emptiness and the darkness

follow me throughout my day

and stay with me even during the night

i cannot escape from this life

ceaseless

i still find it absolutely ridiculous that

i am plagued by the same things over and over again

EXERCISE FAT HEALTHY BODY PERFECTION CALORIES CARDIO WEIGHT LAZY 
EXERCISE FAT HEALTHY BODY PERFECTION CALORIES CARDIO WEIGHT LAZY
EXERCISE FAT HEALTHY BODY PERFECTION CALORIES CARDIO WEIGHT LAZY
EXERCISE FAT HEALTHY BODY PERFECTION CALORIES CARDIO WEIGHT LAZY
EXERCISE FAT HEALTHY BODY PERFECTION CALORIES CARDIO WEIGHT LAZY
EXERCISE FAT HEALTHY BODY PERFECTION CALORIES CARDIO WEIGHT LAZY

                      ∞

will my mind ever rest

will the torture ever cease

will i ever be alive

 

 

presence

there are times when sadness leaves me without words

it is in these times that i wish i had someone

to sit next to me in the silence

to make it a little more bearable

to make me feel less alone

 

no explanations, no advice, no discussion

just you

your presence is all i need

 

a quiet acknowledgement that it hurts to be alive

that you’ll stay with me

and wait for the sadness to disappear

if only for a while

 

media

-out of self-love arises self-care-

so if you think that fat shaming someone will lead them to a “better lifestyle” and subsequently lose weight, you better rethink your logic

fat shaming people does not make them more likely to “take control of their health”

fat shaming leads to self hatred

self hatred is unhealthy, and leads to maladaptive coping mechanisms (this is a scientifically proven fact), thus through your shaming you have actually increased unhealthy behaviour

promoting self-acceptance does not glorify obesity, it reassures people that their worth is not found in their appearance, that they are more than their bodies

when a plus size model appears on a magazine cover, people claim that this will normalize obesity and make people less motivated to lose weight (or maybe even strive for a larger size)

what’s not being talked about is the rampant prevalence of eating disorders in the modelling industry, how their bodies are idealized in society, and how this puts pressure on us to strive for those ideals

keep your comments to yourself.

other peoples’ health is none of your business.