closing

i look back upon the year

and the memories are still raw

i try to push them down

they carry a lot of pain

more pain that i’d like to admit

this year has been hard

hell, the past six years have been hard

but i am here today

i survived

sure, it was a struggle

but i have proven myself to be

resilient

the word resilient floats around in my mind

i know with certainty

that this word describes me

i own it

i am proud of simply being here

i have seen the darkness

but am still reaching for

the light

and for that i am grateful

because i know

without the hope of light

i would not carry on

so i reach

and will continue to reach

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bleak

i’m scared that these thoughts will never leave me

i’m scared that i will move through life controlled by illness

i’m scared i won’t ever be able to live life to the fullest

i’m scared that no matter how much people love me i will never be able to love myself

i’m scared that i’ve fucked up too much already

i’m scared that “better” won’t be good enough

i’m scared that this just isn’t worth it

inadequacy

the fear of never getting better

haunts me

i worry that i may improve

but fall short of my desire

to live fully and freely

 

i am scared of my inability

to get beyond this

that i will forever be

defined by my illnesses

that i will never

escape the depths of despair

 

if i don’t fully overcome this

then i might as well be dead

because as far as i’m concerned

i haven’t been truly alive for years

i exist but do not live

 

i am plagued

by the uncertainty of recovery

what that looks like for me

i am concerned

that i won’t meet my aspirations in life

and that the reasons i recover(ed) for

won’t manifest

that i will be left with a life

that is still not enough

 

i fear that i will never be enough

 

 

 

raw

my world grew smaller

at first it wasn’t obvious

but slowly the walls closed in

i began to restrict

socially

physically

emotionally

until numbness was

all that was left

 

i’m my biggest competition

always wanting to do more

be more

beat previous records

feel a sense of accomplishment

temporarily, that is

because the bar would be

raised even higher the next day

 

i grew smaller

i lost sight of who i was

i became overwhelmed by illness

i betrayed my body

i punished myself out of self hatred

 

i regrew

equally if not more difficult

than disappearing

my fears became my reality

 

the thoughts still remain

i don’t want to be here

i don’t want to be anywhere

i cannot believe how drastically

my life had changed

i used to believe i could be

something

someone

find joy and hope and love

 

yet i still don’t know who i am

i am still overwhelmed by illness

i still betray my body

(and also feel betrayed by it)

i still harbor self hatred

 

my wounds are raw

i will spend the rest of my life

healing

and re-healing